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God’s Grace In the Midst of Marital Bliss

My wife Donna wrote the following.

Grace, it is an amazing thing.  This is a story of God’s amazing Grace and how He is constantly trying to redeem the world (even me).

Below is a letter to my husband based on a really stupid fight and overreaction.  I said some mean and hurtful things before this started and neither of us was talking to the other when I left the house to go for my evening run.

I left the house really angry with you last night when I went to run.  I wasn’t so much angry with you for eating my dinner, but how I perceived you brushing it off like I should just get over it because it was an accident.  This might have been a legitimate reaction, but for whatever reason, last night I felt it was really self-serving of you.  I kind of took it as how you approach all things, act and apologize later.  I don’t like that attitude and I didn’t want to forgive your apology.

So I left the house and headed down CDR and about 10-15 minutes into the run started imagining what would happen if I got mugged.  I found myself imagining how I would plead with this gang of attackers bent on assaulting me and then killing me.  Then I imagined how I would pray to God out loud and pray for them.  Somewhere in my crazy wild imagination God really did slip in.

I tried to stick with my day-mare, but God kept pursuing my heart.  So, without even wanting to feel convicted or trying to, the next thing I knew I was praying.  I was praying very hard for God to forgive me.  For God to help me realize how trivial my “pain” was compared to how much worse things could be.  I started listing why it was ridiculous to have gotten mad about the dinner in the first place, 1) It was an accident, 2) It isn’t like I was going to go hungry if I didn’t eat that meal, 3) I didn’t even have to go anywhere to buy a replacement, we had plenty of food alternatives, and on and on I listed.

Then I asked for forgiveness for how sinful my heart really is and how perverse and twisted my sin can make things.  I thanked God for sending his son to save me, because wow, I really do need some serious saving.  I was willing to be so petty and stupid and mean because of nothing.  It just made me sick that I am so broken.

Last I prayed for three things.  First, for God to let Hs Grace flow through me and give me the means to apologize despite myself and my wicked heart.  I prayed that His Grace would keep my ego from taking control and to love you like He loves me and how He wants me to love.  It made me think something pretty startling.  If someone asked if you love me, I would say yes, yet no matter how much I wanted you to be the one pursuing me and making everything ok, you weren’t.  But I never thought you loved me any less.  So here is God, who I was not thinking about and He pursues my heart and is able to stop me in my tracks and seep into my every fiber and save me from my own heart.  How much more does He love me than you do or ever could?  It is incredible.  Anyway, the second thing I prayed for was for God’s Grace to flow through you too.  But I added the caveat that if it wasn’t His Will, then for my third part of the prayer to be answered.  The third part, was that regardless of how you responded to my apology (if God was able to help me apologize…I was really counting on that part) that I would still be able to respond to you with love and that God would still let his Grace fall on you through me.

So I made it down to the courts and almost walked away because I was so frightened of trying to apologize.  I squeaked out a few short sentences of apology and then walked away.  And I felt so completely broken and in pain.  I could hardly get air into my lungs.  It was horrible.  I can’t believe how hard it was for me to even do that little bit.  With all of God’s grace and love, I could only give you that tiny ounce.  It was pathetic.  I did gain control of myself and prayed again thanking God for doing that much for me.  I mean, in my eyes I did still fail.  But it took everything to redeem me that much.  I can’t believe how weak I am and how much God has to do even to make me slightly humble.

Of course, I am not perfect and when you came home I didn’t fare much better.  I am really sorry.  I don’t even know that I want to be sorry.  I don’t want to say it that is for sure.  It shouldn’t be that hard, but I am so 100% broken that it is.

sara said,

August 22, 2007 @ 3:51 pm

wow. this is beautiful. that’s all.

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